what’s behind the green door(s)?

I have two very good friends – sadly neither is close distance-wise. But, both of them are down to earth thinkers and generally cut through the bs to the finer points – the omg points – the let’s think this through points – that for one reason or another I generally don’t see – until they shine a light on them.

And, yet – any decisions to be made – about whatever – are mine alone to be made.

the only problem is – I have always bound my decisions up in a bundle with the people those decisions might affect. The sheer magnitude of that often stops me dead in my tracks and I am paralyzed – think deer in the headlights here. All forward motion stops. All forward thinking stops.

And so I go to bed each night and get up each morning and go through the motions again and again and yet again. Always trying to please someone and seldom pleasing myself.

this is NOT a plea for pity. this is NOT a request for questions of what is wrong. nothing is wrong. everything is wrong.

how weird it is to be 56 years old – 4 years away from 60 mind you – and not know what in the world I want to be when I grow up. What I want to do with my life – because my life has always – always – been bound up in the lives of those around me. And I would feel like such a failure if I let any of them down – if I moved one toe out of the circle they – and I – have drawn so tightly around me.

paralysis

drowning

clawing my way back to the top

but who gets shredded in that clawing?

and why does it hurt so much?

?