So – I mentioned that I have been shredding – and writing – and the like. They are oddly connected.
Wait, let me back up a bit. The person who left the position I currently hold at work – gave a bit of a speech at our last staff gathering before she left our employ. During her 15 or so minutes she went around the room and said something about or to just about everyone there.
When it was my turn she looked me full in the eye and said stop talking about the d*****d book and WRITE it!
Ahhh – a challenge you see. And, all of my insecurites came out and the excuses (I don’t have the time – I can’t write about THAT stuff . . . ) You’ve heard them all – or you’ve said them yourself – if you are someone like I am – a very busy person with a book inside that is just waiting to be loosed. (whether it be loosed onto the mass public or just loosed from its prison within me remains to be seen).
And, so the other day I began writing – free association type writing – writing about the houses I lived in as a child – and writing about the family and such things as I did in those houses – or around them.
Twice now I have been stopped – well, three times if you count the stupid power outage – but twice by the thoughts of someone(s) that cannot be quieted. I need to (for whatever reason) find out whatever happened to this or that person.
g-search engine to the rescue . . . I mean if you can’t g-search it, and find it, it’s not there to be found. Right? Right.
On the first person, I have come across NOTHING – I only have sketchy details and a child’s morbid curiosity. You see, the very first funeral home I ever remember going to was to see the body (pay respects) of a man who worked for the owner of a bar my dad frequented (and to whom my dad owed a king’s ransom of a tab). The man had been taking a large sum of money to the bank to deposit. Well, I say large – I have no clue how much was in the bag.
He didn’t make it.
He was shot gang style – shirt over his head – body face down – by the river – shot in the back of the head (or the back of the back?) and left to be found.
I later attended high school with that man’s niece. I haven’t been able to find her, either. I can find nothing through g-search about whether or not that man’s murderer(s) was/were ever found and brought to justice.
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More free association today as hubby moose and I shared lunch and I talked with him about some of the little things I had remembered about my childhood . . .
and I remembered a little girl who I used to treat terribly. I was only a little girl myself – and if I wanted to psychoanalyze myself I would tell myself it happened because I was so unhappy because of my family situation – blah, blah, blah.
Fact is – I still remember terrorizing that little girl – and I remember that even as I did it I felt terrible about doing it – and I remember her NAME so well, that when I did a g-search on IT tonight, I found an article about her written RECENTLY in my old hometown newspaper. It was a story about long ago proms and she and her hubby apparently sent in their photo and it was used in the story. They have been married 37 years – just one year less than hubby moose and I have been married!
I’ve sent an email to the news reporter who wrote the story – telling him even that I had mistreated her as a child and wanted to contact her to make amends. I asked him to forward my email to her with a request that she contact me – and if she refuses, would he please let me know that door had been closed?
And, now as I write these words I am wondering at this urgent need I seem to have right now to tie up loose ends – this cleansing of house and soul.
But I also know that sometimes it is just something that needs to be done – and there is really no reason why – it just IS – it just needs to BE – and I find that I can be content with that.
there you go, Lessa – some skeletons let out of the closet.