you know - this world wide web is a funny old thing. It sucks us in - makes us believe we truly know each other - and maybe in some ways we do - know each other, that is.

I have to say, though, that I really admire those of you out there who seem so in control of yourselves - your own desitinies - your relationships - your innermost selves.

It’s an illusion, I’m sure. I can’t be that much different from all of you. Here I sit - 56 years old - closing in on 57 - and I have NO CLUE who I am or who I want to be or what I will do with myself if I ever figure it out.

insecurities.

we all have ‘em, right? Yeah, I thought so.

So - why do we show this face to the world? Why can’t we be vulnerable to those closest to us? Why can’t we say - I’m hurt - I’m angry - I’m pleased - I’m loving this, that, you? Or - are you able to do that? Without losing yourself? Really? Tell me how -

I feel that the world around me wants me to be something - but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

I feel that the world around me is disappointed in me when I say what I think - or be who I am - or whatever - especially if it is not the me or thought that “they” (whomever they are) think I should be/think.

And, then I lose the real me as I try to mold myself into those expectations.

crazy making, isn’t it?

56 years old and still a babe in the woods. . . . wandering and unsure . . . vulnerable and hating the vulnerability . . . loving and yet feeling unloved to the same degree . . . here in the now and present time - but lacking in the things that are needed wanted of me.

what say you? Is it just me?

maybe it’s something in the water.

>..<

Posted: September 9th, 2006 under Moose Nuggets.
Comments: 3