you know – this world wide web is a funny old thing. It sucks us in – makes us believe we truly know each other – and maybe in some ways we do – know each other, that is.
I have to say, though, that I really admire those of you out there who seem so in control of yourselves – your own desitinies – your relationships – your innermost selves.
It’s an illusion, I’m sure. I can’t be that much different from all of you. Here I sit – 56 years old – closing in on 57 – and I have NO CLUE who I am or who I want to be or what I will do with myself if I ever figure it out.
insecurities.
we all have ’em, right? Yeah, I thought so.
So – why do we show this face to the world? Why can’t we be vulnerable to those closest to us? Why can’t we say – I’m hurt – I’m angry – I’m pleased – I’m loving this, that, you? Or – are you able to do that? Without losing yourself? Really? Tell me how –
I feel that the world around me wants me to be something – but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.
I feel that the world around me is disappointed in me when I say what I think – or be who I am – or whatever – especially if it is not the me or thought that “they” (whomever they are) think I should be/think.
And, then I lose the real me as I try to mold myself into those expectations.
crazy making, isn’t it?
56 years old and still a babe in the woods. . . . wandering and unsure . . . vulnerable and hating the vulnerability . . . loving and yet feeling unloved to the same degree . . . here in the now and present time – but lacking in the things that are needed wanted of me.
what say you? Is it just me?
maybe it’s something in the water.
>..<
Moosey… *sigh*
You are NOT alone. It isn’t just YOU.
Expect an email because there are some things I just can’t say here.
Course you’re not alone, Mom. It’s something all of us go through – but at your advanced age, perhaps you are closer to enlightenment. (Yeah – you KNOW I had to go there. *L* And I’m totally running now.)
Seriously though – We all hide, and all think everyone wants us to be what we’re not. People expect me to be a broken mess, people expect me to be strong, now some people expect me to be over it, others think I’m due for a crash any second now. My kids expect me to be Mom at all times (which – with teenagers (AAAAH! SOB!) those expectations change at a moment’s notice and who can keep up? seriously?) Schools expect me to be perfect, other mom’s expect that I do things just like them, Guys expect me to be thin, so on and so forth.
It never ends, you know? But I can only be what and who I am. And if _I_ am not sure who that is yet? Fuck’em. The one who has to be content with who I am is ME. Not the world. Validation can only come from one place – and that’s within.
So I say what I think, or I keep my mouth shut. Neither because of what others may think of me, but because it’s my choice what to do and say for reasons of my own. You raised me to be strong, and you couldn’t have done that without having the same strength within.
So say it with me – Fuck’em all. You can only be what you are, and that’s plenty good enough for us. You simply have to be sure that it’s good enough for YOU. and work until it is. Our opinions don’t matter – we’ll love you no matter what.
Seek that strength and validation inside YOU. Like minded folks will find like minded folk. And don’t forget – I met my best friend in the whole world online. Connections happen – when we least expect it.
Nobody is asking you to be what you are not and if there are people in your life that are… ask them to leave. None of us need that. I walked away from a lot of things in my life over the years. People asking me to be what I am not…. I didn’t need the problems that I was getting. As soon as I found my backbone I became a much happier woman.
Other people ( web people and homer people 😉 I love you girl ) became the people that told me what I needed to hear even though they were not close… But close enough to tell me I was being a dumb butt…..
You are in control of your own destine and your inner most self. You always have been all the years that I have known you. I believe that at times there are things that go on around us that make us think about what we are doing in our lives. Me I never finished school. So no matter what happens in the next 5 years. I am going back and I am going to help people like my husband for the rest of my life. Because, if I can hold the man I love dearest through his darkest days…. than I can do it for those that are not…. and I can help the ones that ARE closest to them…. get through the darkest days.
You do the same. Decide that is all you have to do… you will have what I call a frying pan to your head when it hits you….. and you will be AMAZING at what ever it is you decide to be when you grow up… as for us kids… and those that are out there in the world that make you feel that you need to be more than you are….. I want to inform you … that you are perfect the way you… we would not ask for more… we wouldn’t know what to do with it if you were… you love us and our children unconditionally…. more people in the world should be blessed to have found someone like that. Thank you and I love you…. for being YOU!